Fear and Loathing at the MTV Awards

From the title, you can probably guess how I felt about tonight's MTV Video Music Awards. For the unenlightened however, here's some post-viewing thoughts...

That Beyonce's got quite an ass on her. I mean, really. That's an ass you can take to the bank.

Good Charlotte is America's favorite band? Really? They make Blink-182 look innovative. You gotta love the audacity of that Anthem song. "Oooh, we're nonconformists! We don't want to be a part of your Kelly Clarkson world!". That's just a teensy bit over the disingenous line. I mean, how can you be a nonconformist when your band is a ripoff of bands that were, themselves, ripoffs? Say what you want about the Kelly Clarksons of the world. At least she's upfront about being a tool.

If Beyonce's ass and J. Lo's ass got in a fight, who'd win? Us.

I see that MTV now shows how hip they are by nominating videos they never actually play. *Cough* *Cough* *Johnny Cash* *Cough*. Not that he had a snowball's chance in hell of taking anything major. Man, that would have been sweet though. I guess that's why God made a Bizarro World.

Did anyone else reach for a barf bag when Metallica started playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit"? I know I did. Then I realized that they were just being playfully ironic, around the time they started jamming on "Seven Nation Army". A band that's been through three bassists playing a song by a band that's never had *one*. It's a big joke, get it? Ho ho, that Metallica. As James Lipton would say,"They are a delight."

Beyonce's ass should get a special award for Best Use of an Ass.

They sure hyped the shit out of Chris Rock. He was awesome, but he was on stage for about five minutes. That stupid sketch with Eminem and Special Ed seemed to last longer than his opening monologue.

I've been searching for an analogy to all this hoopla, and the best I can come up with is blue balls. The VMA's are like having blue balls. It's lots of fun to start off with, what with the teasing and the ass-slapping and the Coldplay nominations. You're starting to get into it a little, when suddenly it all goes terribly wrong, and your left feeling disappointed and grabbing your crotch in pain. OK, I didn't say it would be a good analogy.

I know I've already done some pissing and moaning about Johnny Cash not winning the big prize, but the real crime was what wasn't even nominated. We all know the REAL best video of the year was "P.I.M.P." by 50 Cent. It's all about the Pimp Legion of Doom. Fo' shizzle.

I'm going to market a new hypnotherapy tape for people who want to quit smoking. It's called "A 30 Minute Slow-Motion Loop of Beyonce's Ass Jiggling".

Good night everybody! And good luck to Adam!

The Gerry Foundation Genius Grant: Our First Honoree

Steve Masters. For our non-Bay Area readers, Mr. Masters is the near-legendary Live 105.3 FM ex-program director and DJ who now hosts their daily Rewind hour. He's been playing the best of the Live 105 vault for over a year now, and that alone is meritorious and deserving of accolade. But today he pulled off his greatest stroke of genius yet when, in the midst of his old school punk-themed special program, he pulled off a triple set of "Die, Die My Darling" by the Misfits, "Clampdown" by the Clash, and X's "Breathless". It was awe-inspiring. I haven't heard Misfits on the radio, umm, ever. That was perhaps the best set of three songs in a row I've ever heard on a corporate-owned station.

Truly, Steve Masters is a DJ, nay, human without peer. He is the rare specimen who proves that our species is not without merit. For these reasons and more, he is the first recipient of the Gerry Foundation Genius Grant. He will be sent a check for $1.37 to be spent as he sees fit. Congratulations, Steve!

The awful truth about "The Ring"

I was watching The Ring last night on DVD, and I turned to Rachel and said, "This movie would make me throw away my VCR in abject terror, if it weren't attached to the DVD player."

Then she said, in a joking manner, "It's probably supposed to make you feel that way. The film's probably just a big plot by DVD manufacturers to get you to convert to DVD."

I laughed, but then I started thinking about it. "Ringu", which "The Ring" is a remake of, was a Japanese film. Most of your major DVD manufacturers are Japanese corporations. Anyone else see the connection here? Who would stand to gain from making you afraid of VCRs?

As a point of fact there are NO DVD discs or players shown in the film. No one's getting killed by shiny plastic plates, just bulky old obsolete tapes and VCRs that Sony would probably love to phase out in favor of more expensive DVD set-top recorders. And what's a DVD, but a big shiny RING?!?!?

Wheels within wheels, my friends.

"JEWWEEE JEWWWEEEE JEWWEEEEE JEWWWEEEE"

Well now, how can I resist a call to arms like that.

So, to fill the void in between thoughtful posts, here's some random thoughts from Planet Max...

The big bombshell in recall news today was that Cybill Shepherd "admits" she once made out with Gray Davis in 1977. Is this supposed to shock and offend my moral sensibilites? Wrong state. We don't have moral sensibilities here. All I can say to Gray is: Nice work my friend. Cybill was bo-day-shus. The Last Picture Show might be a little before my time (and I haven't gotten around to watching Bogdanovich films yet), but even I slobbered over her a bit in her Moonlighting days, and I was like 8.

There's been a real dearth of great company names at work to discuss here, but I saw a good one today: Jiggyco. I can't even read that without smiling. Say it aloud. "Jiggyco". A division of Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication Enterprises LLC.

I saw Arianna Huffington on Bill Maher tonight. I love this woman. I love her hybrid car and her Greek accent and her jokes and her clothes and her politics and her gi-normous brain. I want to marry her and have eco-friendly, anti-corporate, vocally-unintelligible babies with her.

I'm sure everyone (OK, both of you) wants to hear some joke about Gigli. Well tough, 'cause I haven't seen it. I will say this: Anyone surprised at how bad this film allegedly is hasn't been paying attention. May I kindly direct you to Pearl Harbor and Maid in Manhattan, please.

That's all for now kids. Party on.

Total Recall

So Arnold's in the race, and Californians couldn't be happier. Now THIS is the spectacle we've all been waiting for. When you put him next to Gary Coleman, Arianna Huffington (Heh heh, another immigrant. Hey INS, naturalize this!), and various and sundry porn stars, the man looks pretty gubernatorial. And we're all thinking about how Arnold would say "gubernatorial".

But I'm a little worried about the sudden takeover of California by the celebritocracy. Now granted, Arnold looks like Laurence Olivier next to Ronald Reagan, and we made Reagan governor AND president. But still, we're talking about an actor here, and if you saw Batman and Robin, you know that I use "actor" in it's loosest possible definition. I can see the wheels turning in people's minds at the thought of the Terminator in Sacramento, but let me let you all in on something:

Arnold's a lot of things, but he is not a killer cyborg from the future. He does not kill aliens in the jungle. His daughter does not look like Alyssa Milano. Get a fuggin' clue, people.

I know exactly what it is, too. Any of you see Last Action Hero? (Before you say "no", understand that I meant it as a rhetorical question. I see crap like that so you don't have to). There's a funny scene in that movie, in which the youthful hero has a daydream, while listening to some boring Hamlet in class, of Arnold as the melancholy Dane. He strides through Castle Elsinore, machinegun in hand, blowing away supporting characters left and right. "To be, or not to be?"

*KABOOM*

"Not to be."

I think this is what's going on, psychologically, in the mind of the California voter. I think we all actually think that the next time we have a budget impasse (And we will. Last time I checked, no one's recalling the Assembly Speaker, the REAL most influential man in Sacramento.), Arnold will throw a knife through John Burton, impaling him to a door, and say "Stick around." I mean, intellectually, we know that he can't and/or won't , but there's still that fantasy in the back of our heads.

But then again, who knows. Maybe he WILL drop Gray Davis into a vat of molten steel. Stranger things have happened. Like the time Jerry Brown was crushed in a hydraulic press.

One less thing to do before I die

So we went out for karaoke tonight. What a blast! I had a feeling it could be detached ironic fun, but I didn't know it could be actual fun!

My friend Jennifer did that Evanescence song, which is (sorry to say) a profoundly shitty song. But for what it's worth, she sounded really good singing it. She's got a band that she's putting together (they don't have a name yet, which is a situation I feel compelled to rectify), and it should be good, judging by her karaoke voice.

I did With or Without You by U2. Lemme tell you, I was so all over the map vocally that a GPS couldn't find the key I was in. I started pretty shaky, so I made sure to throw in some Bono moves and falsettos to at least make it look fun. By about the middle of the song ("And you giiiiiiiive yourself awaaay"), I realized that I ain't no Bono, and I'm only a so-so caricature, so I settled for singing loud to cover my vocal imperfections. This is the key, I think, to faking it. If you can't be good, be loud. It's the Spinal Tap principle.

It didn't take long to get into it. By the end, I had the Bono pose and everything. I hear I was actually on key on the "hoo-ooo-ooo ooo" part at the end. I even threw in some political talk during the solo. Awesome night. I WILL be hitting Pickwick's again.

Fixed issues

I rock. Fear me and my techie ways!

A fix, in a way

The stopgap measure worked. The blog is now showing all posts I've written ever on the front page. That also means my old posts have not been cropped into oblivion. Now it's just a question of re-routing them into the right archives. A geek's work is never done.

Just so this doesn't get entirely too dull, I just watched a good movie last night on DVD called Equilibrium. It takes place in a future world where emotions have been banned via federally mandated daily injections. It's about a cop called a Cleric who hunt down "sense offenders" who've gone off their dope. Neat concept. What you care about, though, are the bitchin' fight scenes. The main character is a master of this "Gun-fu" martial art where he can kill anyone around him without moving. And just when I thought the gun stuff would get old, the DVD reached into my brain and pulled out a sick katana fight. Since the filmmakers target demographic was apparently me alone, I can see why the film didn't make much of a dent at theaters. But check it out anyway, it scratches the violence itch.

Some site issues

If you can read this, and there's no entries below this, it's because of some kind of error. Hitting the reload page button on your browser will fix it, showing the blog in all of its multipost glory. No idea how to fix that permanent-like. Probably some kind of software issue, so it's unlikely little ol' goober me is going to nail it down.

I've noticed the archive links are pointing at, well, nothing. I'm going to try and fix that, but unfortunately I have no idea whether my old posts are lost in the ether or not. Crossing my fingers, and I'm going to try a stop-gap measure in the meantime to fix it.

Finally, a candidate I can get behind!

Okay, so there's been a lot of disappointing candidates for this recall crap the last week or two. Bill Simon I can see; I guess he just couldn't get enough of the ream-job he got from Davis nine months ago, and wants a second helping. But Dick Riordan? He couldn't even beat Simon. Who the hell's he kidding.

As for wacky fringe candidates, none have been too inspiring. Doesn't sound like Schwarzenegger's going to run, ho hum. I guess he'd rather make shitloads of money. What a kook. You got Peter Camejo for the Greens, so if nothing else the Phish-head vote is locked up. But where are the Jello Biafras, the Lyndon Larouches, the Jerry Browns?

I'd about given up on this whole political-process-as-theater-of-the-absurd until today, when I learned that none other than Larry effin' Flynt is running. Hooray! Finally, someone with whom we know where we stand. What's he for? Boobies! And who isn't?

It's not as wacky as you'd think. Consider: We'll never have a Clinton-esque sex scandal. There won't be any surprises when we find out where his money's come from - it came from boobies! He's a self-made millionaire in the classic Republican mold, and his views are liberal enough for even the Berkeley trolls. There's no doubt that he'll stick up for our rights; the man took a bullet for the 1st Amendment! All that, and he offers cash rewards for people who help him expose Republican shenanigans. He got Bob Livingstone to step down from the Senate Majority Leader post when he exposed the senator's extra-marital affair. This guy's my hero.

So I'm urging everyone I can to Vote for Flynt!. Hell, I'll write him in for President next year.

And remember: Boobies!