Vacation: Day One

Got up around 9:30 a.m. and sat around in front of the computer for a couple hours in my boxers, reading email and message boards. By about 11 I'd run out of internet to surf so I went back to bed for another 2.5 hours. Those were damn good hours. Vacation isn't about travelling to exotic locales or getting important chores done around the house, it's about saying "fuck it" and going back to bed in the middle of the day.

Got up in time to see Rachel off to work and took a nice long shower. When you only have a 10 minute shower window on a workday morning you forget how great it feels. I got all dressed up for some reason and parked my kiester on the easy chair.

Scanned the channels and found some John Grisham "Brash Young Southern Lawyer" movie on Starz that'd just started. This one had Matt Damon and Danny Devito in it so I figured what the hell. I watched for a while and, ta-da, there's Claire Danes. I've always had this inexplicable crush on Claire Danes. When I say "inexplicable", it's not to say she's ugly - not really my type, but hardly ugly. I never realized until today that my crush is all about her neck. She has a beautiful neck and throat. It's long (but not freakishly so) and nicely sculpted. From her shoulders to her jaw she's like Venus.

I don't think that makes me a fetishist, do you? I've honestly never noticed anyone's neck before, let alone been attracted to one. I think hers is just really special. Necks are completely utilitarian to me in every other aspect. Not that I'm against necks. Hell, if there's a measure on my ballot on Tuesday allocating a bond issue towards neck research I'll vote for it. In summary, I'm generally in favor of necks.

Ate some taquitos while I watched that. Beef taquitos and Cholula hot sauce are the key to my spiritual well-being.

Listened to some Bill Hicks after that. Bill Hicks is my fucking avatar. He was so funny and sociopathic. My greatest hope is that I can find an audience of people completely unaware of his existence and continue ripping him off long into my retirement. To make amends I'll give a chunk of change to the Bill Hicks "I Never Gave a Fuck for Homo Sapiens, But I Loved My Goddamned Ferret" animal charity.

Then I went on Straight Dope and read about the miracle of shark cartillage therapy. Apparently there's still some small-brains in the world who think sharks are immortal.

So final score for the day: 0 hours spent outside the house. 1 hour spent on this blog post. 3 hours reading D&D books. 15 minutes spent wrapping a birthday present. 30 minutes spent composing witty post on Enworld about Luke's swamped X-Wing in Empire Strikes Back. I'm calling it a day.

Rage Against the Wicked Machine

Two weeks until the election and I still don't have anything to wear! ... Gov. Schwarzenegger has broken with the Republican platform to endorse California's Proposition 71, a bond issue that would generate $3 billion for stem-cell research in the state. My question to you: is anyone else a little alarmed that a rabble-rousing, egocentric Aryan is in favor of cloning? ... Speaking of our Oberkaliforniafuhrer, I've gotta tell you I'm still a little in denial, even after over a year since the recall election. I'll be humming along all day, thinking about flowers or interest rates or something, and I'll put on the TV and the newsjockey will say something like "Gov. Schwarzenegger today signed a bill approving yadda yadda," and I'll do a double take. For a second it sounds like a joke, and then I remember last fall. Oh yeah. Terminator, Predator, Mr. Freeze. That guy ... The big news over the last couple of days was Jon Stewart and Tucker Carlson going mano-a-bowtie on Crossfire, in which Jon Stewart told MotherTucker that he was a "dick", a "partisan hack" and that he was "hurting America". I say huzzah. Yea verily, Jon speaks the truth. Unfortunately, once again I beat Stewart to the punch five months ago. Now, I let it go with a stern warning and a shaken fist last time, but now I'm gonna start asking for royalties ... Oh, who am I kidding, it's blindingly apparent to all except Bowtie Boy what a collossal phallus he is. I hope Jon Stewart goes into a Miniature Hebrew rage and pummels The Tuck senseless, and then uses his body as a set of pale, fleshy nunchucks to beat Robert Novak with. There's yer moment of Zen, beeyotch! ... Before you vote, go see Team America: World Police. The previews can't do it justice. It's like if Michael Bay and Paul Wolfowitz made a porno together ... I found out what the hump was on Bush's back during the debates, and it's not a wire. It's a little technical, but basically that's the disembodied homunculus of Dick Cheney. Y'see, when he's not overseeing slush funds or no-bid contracts or kicking puppies, he sustains his ghastly half-existence as a sort of parasitic entity, feasting upon George Bush's vital fluids via his spine. Outlandish? Maybe. But I swear I heard him slip up during the VP debate and call the President "Vitamin W" ... I'm Max Gerry, and I approved this blog post.

Wedding Bell Blues

Would you buy a used car from this man?


Congratulations Jarrod and Jennefer. May your foreheads grow like the mighty oak.


Great wedding. Thanks for letting Rachel and I crash it.