Pulp Crucifiction

An open letter to Mel Gibson

I went out and saw your new film The Passion of the Christ this afternoon. Entertaining? Hoo boy, was it ever! Was it as much fun to make as it was to watch? Now, it was a tad violent, but then again my favorite scene in Braveheart was the torture/execution at the end, and this movie was like 2 hours of that! Hooray!

However I did have a couple of problems with this film. First of all, this Jesus guy is just a little too unbelievable as a character. First off, this sucker is cut. Rock hard abs, bulging biceps; you can tell he's not just doing carpentry for the free tables. But when the temple guards come for him in the olive grove, how come he doesn't throw down? Now Peter, that guy was hardcore. Lay a hand on his buddy Jesus and off goes your ear! And what does JC do? Right when it's getting interesting, he tells Peter to put down his sword. WTF?!?!? That could have been one righteous fight scene. It even looked like Jesus had powers like Neo from the Matrix! You dropped the ball big time Mel.

Which leads me to the next problem: Jesus is just too nice. He's always all "Turn the other cheek"-this and "Love your enemy as you would thy neighbor"-that. I don't care what my dad tells me, no way I'm praying for the guys who are crucifying me.

Also, it appears as if he's in love with his mom, or possibly those dirty hippie guys who follow him around. Yuck-o. They even had that fine-ass Persephone chick from the Matrix as the Potential Love Interest, but nothing happens. Meanwhile, he's telling dudes to eat his flesh and drink him and stuff. Did you establish in the movie that this Jesus guy was gay, or maybe one of those fruity Anne Rice vampires (y'know, to explain the powers)? I mean, either way is cool, I was just wondering if I missed it.

Last but not least is what I call the Big Daddy Factor. All throughout the movie you keep playing up what a collossal badass Jesus's dad is. So when you actually (SPOILER) kill Jesus at the end, I was expecting his Dad to show up with his ball-stomping boots laced up. So what happens, what's the big action-packed climax? There's a little storm and a mild earthquake fucks up the Temple. AND THAT'S IT. C'mon dude, I live in California, we eat storms and earthquakes for breakfast and then ask for a bowl of killer bees. This "God" guy's a lightweight. I thought we were gonna see some 10' tall hoary thunderer kicking Roman rectae and taking down nominae. Talk about a let-down.

All throughout the movie, I kept feeling like I was really watching the first act of a bigger movie. And sure enough, there's a big fat Hint of Impending Sequel at the end of the movie which I will not give away here. Did you pull a Kill Bill? Should we expect a Passion of the Christ Volume II about six months from now? Because, honestly, there's a lot of unresolved issues at the end of the movie. For one thing, those fuckers Pilate and Caiphas have got to go. I was thinking it would be tight to see Jesus chase them around with one of those scourges, and then Peter can get one of those big-ass Braveheart prop swords that you probably have lying around your house and just kneecap those torturer guys with it.

Then he and Dad high-five, Jesus scores with that Magdalene chick, and fade to credits.

It's the New Style!

I've played around with my Blogger template, and the results are what you see here. Anyone like it? It's got a whole teal-on-orange thing going, which Rachel assured me looks good. Me, I've got the eye for color coordination of a man who's been blind from birth, so I need a second opinion on these kinds of things.

I may or may not change the sidebar text from black to something less Halloweeny, but all in all we approve. I especially like how separate posts are clearly demarcated from each other by the orange dateline, and the sidebar stands out from the main page.

Is it too much orange? Will old readers stop by and think I sold the page to someone else? Has Max's World jumped the shark? Will there be Max's World grognards who insist that the page worked much better when it was old-school black-on-white with light teal?

Turning Japanese

While watching Conan last night with Rachel, we happened across a commercial for Sunsetter Retractable Awnings. Now, there's a comfortable pattern to commercials like these; they usually begin with some sort of pre-purchase testimonial by a customer about why their life was unliveable until they bought the product. Usually it's in black-and-white, featuring Customer Woman getting very frustrated over some trivial activity. In this particular ad, a woman was discussing at length the problems she had with her old patio table's umbrella while trying to entertain their good friends, the "Mackenzies". Then, the camera pans over the table to show the "Mackenzies", who just so happen to be very Asian.

Now, far be it from me to generalize. I'm sure in the entire world you can probably find enough Asian MacSomethings to fill your average-sized VFW hall, even if you choose not to include people who got the name from marrying the caucasian Mr. MacSomething. But don't you think, just maybe, this is a little quirkier than a commercial for retractable awnings needs to be?

It led me down a whole path of thought. How did this happen? Was the script written with "Mackenzies" and the only actors who really nailed the role of a couple with sun in their eyes Asian? Did the director want to change the names, but there was a frustrated ad copy writer who refused to compromise his vision? Did the family Americanize their name when they came to this country (as my family did)? Are they advance operatives from Beijing, sent to acquire the secrets of our patio furniture technology? Is there some part of Scotland filled with Asians? Why weren't they in Braveheart?

Please help me. My world no longer makes sense.

Where have I been?

I've got some really brilliant excuses for why I haven't been blogging lately. Really, they're airtight, and once you've heard them you'll feel bad for ever doubting me.

1. Legend of the Green Dragon. I found out they have the old Legend of the Red Dragon BBS door game available to play on the web now. Well, I was addicted to it 10 years ago and I've found that some habits die hard. You can find me over on Maddnet as TheRedDon. Don't even try taking me out in the Inn though; I have more hit points than you could possibly imagine.

2. My new television. Rachel finally caved. We are now the proud owners of a 51" Sony HD monitor. Rachel says I gaze on it with a look that's not entirely wholesome. I don't care. We got it in time for kickoff on Super Bowl Sunday. You should see how big Janet Jackson's tit looked on this thing. Almost as big as the boob next to her.

3. Upright Citizens Brigade DVD. If you didn't catch this show on Comedy Central 5 or 6 years ago, check out the DVD. It was one of the smartest and funniest sketch comedy shows I've ever seen, with the kind of dovetailing metaplots and running gags Monty Python used to do so well. Worth it alone just for the Little Donnie episode.