Keanu - Unsafe at any speed

Decided what my vacation needed today was a Keanu movie. Constantine didn't disappoint on that count, as it's veritably loaded with Mr. Reeves from beginning to end. They can't take that away from this movie - it definitely has Keanu Reeves in it.

Other than that, your mileage may vary. I was willing to go along with the K-Man as John Constantine, with the small proviso that he not suck like a chest wound.

I'm getting used to living with disappointment.

Keanu needed to hit it out of the park, and instead he phoned this one in from Planet Cardboard. I may be alone in this, but I think he can be really good in the right kind of roles, and I'm not just talking about Bill & Ted here. I thought he was a perfect casting choice for the Matrix. But this film needed someone with boatloads more charisma, sarcasm and wit than poor Keanu can coax from his pretty little head.

Not all his fault though. The script had some real clunkers in it ("He believes in you" just had me groaning) and the pacing was torpid. The story liked to throw in lots of supposedly "kewl" stuff like bottles full of dragon fire, the Spear of Destiny and dunking your feet in water so you can travel to Hell; all of which was certainly interesting but ultimately got filed in the "who gives a shit" cabinet. A good half hour could have been sliced off this thing and it wouldn't have been the worse for wear (preferably a half hour featuring the Golden Shotgun of God).

There were some bright spots. I have a hard time not liking Rachel Weisz. She's no Katherine Hepburn but she sells her part well and it doesn't hurt that she's real purty. Djimon Hounsou was great as the old-school Papa Midnite who's trying to hold onto an evaporating status quo. He's an excellent actor who really needs more work. Tilda Swinton was PERFECT as Gabriel, even though the script really sold her character short in the end. And Shia LeBeouf should be in every movie made from now on, because I really like saying "LeBeouf".

In the end, it wasn't loathesome, but it was just so-so and that's worse in a lot of ways, especially when you consider how rich the source material is.

(Incidentally, the film lost points for me when I realized Balthazar was played by that douche who married Gwen Stefani, but gained them right back when Keanu turned his face into a grease spot with his +5 Holy brass knuckles. Maybe I'll get the DVD just to queue it up to that scene over and over and over...)

Hard Drive is dead. Miss it, miss it.

Real quick: hard drive crashed, and my computer spent a nice week at a health spa called CompUSA. Everything's okay now (better than before, in fact), but I'm spending a lot of time reloading my old programs and whatnot. I'll have more to post this weekend. So sorry for the delay. Just sit tight for a couple more days, and I'll make with the funny ASAP.

I know web-fu.

As you, the audience at home can see, we've made some changes around here. Repurposing the paradigm for the 21st century while building a broad-based coalition of synergistically-aligned units to affect an enhanced global mindshare. In bed.

I've picked up just enough HTML in the last week or two to make myself dangerous (mostly to myself). I constructed the new splash page, utilizing an image Jake made for me a long time ago, all by my lonesome. Teacher told me that I'm the smartest boy ever and she gave me a scratch-n-sniff sticker and I scratched it and it smelled like pizza and then I made the bunny go to heaven by petting him too hard.

And Rachel thought she was gonna hurt my feelings by saying it's "amateurish"? I am an amateur! Not just at the HTML thing either. I mean, just read some of this shit. The New Yorker this ain't. But I wanted to try some things on my own, to see what my limits were before I pull out the credit card and pay a professional web designer. Which is most likely what I'll end up doing. I'm all content baby, leave the technical side to someone else.

So, I know enough about the web to know this place sorta sucks. I hear a gasp - no, it's true folks. I can't do too much about the level of writing around here without attending some kind of workshop/class/chautaqua (don't I wish I could skip over it with an 80's music video-style montage. Take it to the limit!) but I'm endeavoring to make this site feel more like an attraction. I want to be the bookmark someone checks on everyday. Shit, who am I kidding, I'd settle for just being someone's bookmark.

So bear with me in this difficult time of transition. I made everything all blue-ish until the new website is ready because I got bored with the goth look. I 86'd the forum for intensely personal, spiritual reasons that boil down to wanting an open PHP slot for, uh, something someday. No more email link either; I was getting way too much spam and I figured if you wanted to communicate with me you'd either post a comment, OR you'd already know my email address because you're one of my friends and not some guy named Horace who wants to sell me Canadian Viagra. For everyone's benefit I got rid of the Google ad experiment too. I don't know how you'll ever be able to find Hilary Duff cd's without it but you'll just have to keep looking. I'm leaving up that other vestige of never-used Wicked Machinery, the link to my Cafepress store, in the hopes that some shirtless, hatless reader will leave my site properly attired. Besides, that "0 Sales" notation when I login to Cafepress keeps me grounded, lest I trick myself into believing that someone really did die and make me Elvis.

So to review: This place will be funnier*. This place will look much cooler**. And this place will ROCK YOU***.

*Funnier to me. You will continue to find it trite and highly derivative.
**Again, only applies to me, and keep in mind that I thought the Dungeons and Dragons movie was "kinda cool". Be afraid.
***The sort of ROCKING you can only get from a washed-up journalist-turned-banker who gets an almost sexual thrill from balancing his checkbook. Cum on, feel the noize. I dare you.