Sucka MC's

I decided to while away the hours at work today by listening to the most appropriate banking music I could think of: Gangsta Rap (who talks about cash more than those guys?). The classic track "Cusswords" by Oaktown player Too Short came over the headphones (featuring the Shakespearean couplet "Cusswords, just let 'em roll/Motherfucking shit, goddamn asshole") and I couldn't help but be profoundly moved by his hatred for sucka MC's. I know exactly how Todd feels. People are constantly calling me weak, even after I've pointed out that their daddy snorts coke and their mother's a freak. So surely the Sucka MC phenomenen can't be solely limited to the hip-hop game. I've decided to call on the proverbial carpet the following Sucka MC's:

Tucker Carlson can suck a big fat diiiick. Tucker Carlson, bow-tied douchebag co-host of CNN's Crossfire, is perhaps the only person on the planet who can make that asshat Robert Novak look classy. Pretty much any pundit you care to name is going to be a wack bitch by definition, but there are no pundit bitches wacker than Carlson. And he's always all up in James Carville's business. Let a player play, you jiveass turkey.

The WB network programmers can suck a big fat diiiick. You bitches cancelled Angel. If any of you suckas show your faces in my 'hood I will go fourth-season-Wesley on your asses.

Michael Eisner can suck a big fat diiiick. You player-hatin', documentary-rejecting, Jeb Bush-blowing motherfucker. Keep your limpdick mouse-ear-wearing ass out of my entertainment, bitch.

Mountain bikers who take up the whole lane on a swervy two lane road can suck a big fat diiiick. I am not going to prison because you made me run over your stupid sorry ass. I am not asking you spandex-wearing bitches to dive off a cliff when I roll up in my Saturn, but if I gotta choose between ending your candyass and totalling my ride, guess which one of us is going down? Check yoself before I wreck yoself.

People who say "roll-playing" can suck a big fat diiiick. Keep your gay-ass LARPing opinion to yourself. I will personally cap the next motherfucker who wants to talk about the G/S/M theory. Don't push your weakass diceless shit on me.

Mendo Boy

Just returned from a weekend trip up the coast to Fort Bragg/Mendocino. Let me interrupt my usual cynicism here for just a moment: It's so beautiful up there. It's literally like "Hey look, yet another awe-inspiring vista." How do the locals get used to it?

I'm from that area originally and have vacationed there a lot over the years, so I got the treat of showing Mendo-newbie Rachel around. We stayed in the Lodge at Noyo River in a suite that must have been half the size of our house. At night we drove down to Mendocino and walked around town and took in the sunset from the Headlands park, then we walked up to Cafe Beaujolais for dinner. Fan-frickin-tastic. Niman Ranch beef is the only thing that should be allowed to call itself "beef". Everything else is a pale imitator.

In the morning we went back to Mendocino and hiked around the beach. We drove back into town and Rachel had the run of the galleries while I hung back and people-watched. There's plenty of bums wandering around Mendocino so a Bay Area boy like myself felt quite at home. I guess, if you have to be homeless, you could do a lot worse than Mendocino.

We had to run back not long after that. I'm of the opinion that the best time to go back home is when you're still ready to stay longer, so you don't weary of the place.

Well, enough sweetness. I'm ready to take the piss outta something now. I've got a lot of free time this week to get cynical. I'll be back to form in no time.

Evil

Thanks to The Gematriculator I can now pinpoint with laser-like accuracy exactly how evil this website is.



Knowing that The Gematriculator uses an unimpeachably scientific process ("Experts consider the mathematical patterns in the text of the Holy Bible as God's watermark of authenticity. Thus, the Gematriculator provides only results that are absolutely correct.") I decided to find out just how much evil I'm being exposed to in a random day of browsing. Here's some of my findings.

Yahoo = 67% Evil
Wal-Mart = 48% Evil
Microsoft = 38% Evil
Church of Latter Day Saints = 24% Evil
The American Nazi Party =23% Evil

So there you go. Max's World - More Evil Than Nazis!