Pimping: Easy or Not?

I've been thinking a lot about pimps lately. Well, truthfully, I've been thinking about pimping itself. The artform, if you will. I've found myself in something of a rut professionally in the last few years. I'm told that these are the years when you decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. And honestly, maybe this is the MTV talking, but I think I want to be a pimp.

There's a few obstacles however. First off, I'm not big on the degradation of women. I can't say the word "bitch" with a straight face. I've got nothing against prostitution but I'm not sure I want to be the guy profiting from it. I suppose I can get over that if it's a prerequisite for the job, but no pimp-slapping. As Sir Mix-a-lot once rapped, I treat my women like Flo-Jo.

Second, hardcore drugs seem to be a big part of the pimp/ho business dynamic. Now, I'm no angel, but I don't want to push crack. As my grandfather used to say, "A crack salesman used to mean you were just a really good salesman." So no drugs.

Also, I lack a name conducive to pimping. Max Gerry does your taxes. Max Gerry will format a spreadsheet. Max Gerry will paint any car for $99.95. But you don't go to a guy named Max Gerry for his stable of hos. This at least, I can do something about.

Let's start with the archetypical pimp, American Pimp star and Snoop Dogg hanger-on Bishop Don Magic Juan. That's a lot of titles he's got on him, starting with the religious one. I can't be Bishop, since he is, so I'm going to go with Cardinal.

Now I need a title of respect, such as Don. I'm going to go with the original pimp, the Marquis de Sade, and use Marquis de Something.

Now I need some kind of general innuendo. That "Magic Juan" works nicely for him. I need something that's both playful and gives the notion that I'm packing a trouser snake of mythological proportions. So henceforth, my pimp name is:

Cardinal Marquis de Swizzle Stick. Or, as Snoop shall know me, Swizzle Stizzle.

Jesus Freaks, Concerned Parents, and Politicians, Oh My!

The Passion. Janet Jackson's nipple. Clear Channel. Gay marriage. The FCC. The Vatican refusing to step up against child molestation. George W. "I take orders directly from God" Bush. It's all coming together. The forces arrayed are devastating. They're so close to achieving their goal of making America the most boring, white bread, God-fearing (make no mistake, they're talking about their own extremely limited notion of Jesus Christ here, not whatever your philosophy is likely to be) place in the known universe that I can already feel the urge to throw on a sweater vest, put on a little Pat Boone and get down to some strictly-procreative sex with my church-issued heterosexual lifemate.

Now, I try to be sensible. I tell myself that people are just going to believe in whatever they want to believe, no matter how silly, illogical, medieval or morally twisted it happens to be. If you shudder everytime someone mentions Queer Eye, go ahead. If you want to throw out your TV, radio, newspaper and computer just in case something that offends your narrow view of the world comes across it, be my guest. Fuck, if you want to erect an altar to Baal in your garage and wear chicken intestines on your head then more power to you.

JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

I am not some slack-jawed yokel who needs a Sky Bully (thanks Joss Whedon) to tell me right from wrong and dangle some imaginary afterlife carrot-and-stick in front of me. I'm not populating the earth with my spawn and demanding that YOU stop drinking/swearing/smoking/screwing because MY kids might see something that I refuse to explain to them. And yeah, I've got more important things to do than obsess over a split second shot of tit or what Howard Stern's saying on the radio. Important things such as drinking, swearing, smoking and screwing - try them sometime.

I refuse to get my panties in a twist over what a few gay people want to do. Quit pretending like it's got something to do with the "sanctity of marriage". You just don't like that they're fucking each other in the ass. You know what? Get used to it. I don't like fucking in the ass or being fucked in the ass, but I'm willing to concede someone else might. Besides, depending on which poll you like, somewhere between 5-10% of us are gay. That means you probably know or are related to at least one gay person. Let that freak you out for a while before you realize "Hey, no one's ever tried to fuck me in the ass without my express written consent, and knowing that cousin Karl is a queer hasn't altered my life one iota, except that I can't talk about my drapes with him without commiting myself to a couple of hours."

I want to hear four-letter words on every show. I want to hear Oscar the Grouch tell Elmo to go fuck himself. "Today's Sesame Street was brought to you by the letters F and S and the number 69, beeyotch!" Kids gotta learn somewhere.

I want my goddamn stem cell medicines NOW. They made this stuff out to sound like it would cure cancer, diabetes, Alzheimer's and halitosis. Would it have? Who knows? Maybe the South Koreans who are going to have this stuff 10 years before us will know. We let a bunch of Bible-thumpers who didn't even understand the scientific process involved dictate this policy to us. Make no mistake about it, someone you love will die before their time because of this.

Memo to lawmakers: Next time you feel a Jesus attack coming on, here's what you do:

1. Put down your pen.
2. Get up from your desk.
3. BACK SLOWLY AWAY FROM THE LEGISLATION.

Do all of the above or I swear on my life I will start a campaign to elect Louis Farrakhan as president, and you'll all see what happens when you let someone with a completely different belief system call the shots for you.

Oh, and FREE JAMES BROWN. Peace out.

Beavis & Butthead on MTV2

Why didn't anyone tell me this was on again? Weekdays 9-10 PM. Watch it, bumwipe.

A Sopranos Blog

I've started a new blog on the upcoming season of The Sopranos here. Not too much there yet, but I'm gonna update it at least once a week with my thoughts on each episode, plus whatever Sopranos news or scoops I can find. Enjoy it with someone you love.