An open letter to my friend Trinity, who made me listen to "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake

Well I did it. I did it and now it's over. Would that my life were powered by Windows, and a simple Ctrl-Z could undo what I just did to my soul! For truly, it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life.

Now, I never went to 'Nam and saw my best friend’s head explode when a gook claymore went off next to it, and the closest I’ve ever come to an Andrea Doria-style martime accident was this time my raft capsized at Stinson, so as “difficult experiences” go it’s tamer than some people’s. Regardless of that, I can honestly say that it was the most excruciating four minutes of my life, and I once had an ingrown toenail removed by a grouchy old drunk of a podiatrist, without benefit of topical anesthetics.

That said, I am glad though that Mr. Timberlake saw fit to bring the sexy back! I, for one, was getting quite nervous about the dwindling supply of sexy in society. It's almost as if there's been a media blackout on sexy portrayals of young actresses and cute pop stars since Mr. Timberlake's last album. A generation was growing up without the kind of masturbatory fodder needed for a healthy upbringing.

So thank you Trinity for all the "music". And thank you Justin Timberlake, for teaching us all a valuable lesson: those who give up essential sexy to purhcase a little temporary safety, deserve neither sexy nor safety.

Become a Total Badass - The Liam Neeson Way!

Hail and well met! As you've no doubt surmised, I'm Academy Award-nominated actor Liam Neeson, and I'm here to tell you about an exciting opportunity I'd like to share with all of you.

Do you find yourself constantly unable to kick ass? Have you taken self defense lessons and found them to be too time-consuming and frustrating? Do you long for days of yore when REAL MEN OF DESTINY walked the world, doling out justice with huge swords or meaty fists?

Then look no further than THE LIAM NEESON SCHOOL OF BADASSERY.

For a low, one-time payment of 1000 Republic credits, I will provide you with our standard package, ensuring you are well on your way to badassitude:

1. I will bestow upon you your choice of a large sword, a lightsaber, or a short lesson in the proper way to throw a punch.

2. I will tell you one of the following:

• "You ARE the chosen one."
• "Your parents' death was not your fault."
• Or the ever popular "May your wisdom grace us until the stars rain down from the heavens."

3. I will appear to die in front of you, giving you the emotional conviction needed to truly attain badassness.

Don't believe it could be this simple? You don't have to take my word for it. Just read these testimonials from some of my many satisfied students:

"Liam's the best! Before I met him I was just a whiny young loser on a backwoods desert planet. But after training with the LIAM NEESON SCHOOL OF BADASSERY for just a few short days, I not only learned that I was a child of prophecy, but also that I have special powers! Within hours of my final exam, I was blowing up starships thousands of times my own size! Thanks Mr. Neeson!" -- A. Skywalker

"Liam Neeson taught me everything I needed to know about badassery. I sprung for the Executive Package, and not only did he bail me out of jail, but he taught me how to swordfight on a frozen lake! And when the time came, he conveniently disappeared. He's the man!" -- B. Wayne

"Before I ordered a visit from Liam Neeson, I was just a peasant blacksmith. Within MINUTES of meeting him, I became a master swordsman! And it wasn't long before I was defending Jerusalem from hordes of Saracens. I wouldn't be where I am today if not for his method." -- That dude from "Kingdom of Heaven"

"He even turned my dork kid brother into a badass!" -- P. Pevensie

If you act now, I will also throw in some quasi-philosophical gibberish about a warrior's code and bringing balance to things! The only way you can't become a TOTAL BADASS is not to call. Operators are waiting!