The New Cruelty

I am heavily wrapped up in this Net Riddle thing. My God, this thing is like crack for the higher brain. You answer a riddle, then you're sent to another riddle, then a word puzzle, then a bad pun, and somehow you make money. My brother, curse his black heart, showed me this last night and now I'm hooked. I WILL be the one to decipher the whole thing. Dammit, if I can understand the Timecube then I can get this. Now if I can just figure out the pattern in O, TT, FF, and SS, then they tell me how to make a fortune in real estate with no money down, right? Oh crap, I'm confusing the real world, the internet, and infomercials AGAIN. Aaaagh! Vile Net Riddle! I will OWN you!

More Real Business Names

Mr. Tofu Inc. I imagine that it's like Mr. Coffee, only they would get Sadahara Oh to endorse them. I wonder if this Mr. Tofu is any relation to Kikko-Man?

Handicapstuff.com. I just love the "stuff" at the end. Really hit the wall with domain names, haven't we?

Monkey Business Products. "Hi, I'd like to place an order for an infinite number of typewriters."

Dick Chin Realty. Uh-huh-huh-huh. Seriously, I wonder how much business this guy gets just based on the Beavis & Butthead factor? This is just further proof that Beavis & Butthead have ruined the name "Dick" forever.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I'm not having a good day today, accident-wise. Although, I guess if you are having lots of accidents, would that be good accident-wise or bad accident-wise? Hmm. Anyway, I got a paper-cut under my left thumbnail. When I got home, our parrot decided to vent her frustrations on my other thumb. Later, at dinner, I bit into a pizza crust that was just a little on the less-comfortable side of crispy, and get a huge painful scratch on the roof of my mouth. The worst part was this was on the first slice, so it kinda ruined my enjoyment of the rest of the pizza.

Boy, these are problems people in sub-Saharan Africa dream about, huh? "I received a minor but annoying cut at my cushy office job. My exotic yuppie pet injured me. My mouth is too soft for the giant pizza slice I stuffed in it." I apologize at once for my insensitvity to all Ethiopians, where I am told I have quite a following.

Must-steal song of the week

"Dreaming of You" by The Coral. What can I say, I'm a sucker for songs with backup singers going "wah-oooooo". I'm pretty much a sucker for backup singers, when you get right down to it. And not just to back up 'singers' per se; I think any activity is made more fun with the addition of harmonized vocals. When I'm in my cubicle collating stuff, I want some Pips backing me up with some "wah-oooo"s, "ba-doom"s, and maybe a "sh-doop" or two.

My boss: "How's that report going?"
Me: "The report's coming along just fine. Isn't that right, Pips?"
The Pips: "He's gonna hand the report in tomorrow. Hoo-hoo!"

Where was I? Oh, on the Pips rant again. Anyway, go Kazaa that song, then briefly consider buying the whole album in the store, you thieving bastards.

And yeah, I first heard it on Scrubs. I'm a loser who gets his music from Must-See-TV. Well, I can't very well get it from MTV, now can I? ZING!

Sore throats - the next SARS?

So I'm home sick today with a bad sore throat. It's been going around the office, spread by people who would come in if they had the Black Death. I guess you have to admire their dedication (of course, they're also paid a lot more then me, but I don't complain, just observe). Me, I'm a big weenie.

Real business names I spotted at work

Robots of Mars Inc. I don't know what they do, but I've gotta get in with this company. I live for robots, as long as we're talking ones that transform into Walther P38s or Corvettes and not the ones that put airbags in your Camry. And I saw all those stupid Mars movies a couple years ago, even John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars. I should get something for that.

Team Jesus and Motorsports Evangelism. Hanna-Barbara needs to take a look at this. NASCAR-driving evangelists! Who could presumably, if called upon by the Lord, solve mysteries! This could be bigger than Jabberjaw.

Western States Fire Apparatus Inc. There's a certain charm in the vagueness of their name. "Western States". Which ones? West of where exactly? And "Fire Apparatus"--starting them or putting them out? Somehow I envision a Amazon.com-esque clearinghouse of dry twigs and old newspapers.

Matrix Electroceuticals Ltd. Uh-oh.

Ninja Auto Body. "We have put an end to the scraping of your broken fender, Mr. Gerry-san. Your car will sail noiselessly through the night like wind over rice paper."

By way of introduction...

Here's a get-to-know-me email questionnaire devised by my friend Hizuru. This should answer all of your pertinent questions.

1. FAVORITE MYTH?
Alligators in the sewers.

2. WHAT BOOK DO YOU THINK EVERYONE SHOULD READ? AND WHY?
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, so you’ll know what to do when you’re at a police convention, on drugs.

3. FAVORITE MIXED DRINK NAME?
Screaming Nazi

4. IF YOU HAD TO CREATE A BRAND NEW GREETING CARD, WHAT WOULD IT SAY?
"So Sorry About Your Prolapse."

5. WHAT 12-STEP GROUP THERAPY PROGRAM DO YOU THINK IS MISSING FROM
SOCIETY TODAY?
Adnan-Anon, people who are addicted to 80’s billionaire arms-dealer Adnan Kashogi.

6. BAD HABIT?
Doubling down.

7. PET PEEVE?
Mexican banditos.

8. THE NAME YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO NAME A KID?
Boy: Loudon
Girl: Anna Nicole

9. IDEAL WAY TO MAKE A FOOL OR YOURSELF?
Getting drunk at their intervention.

10. WHAT NOT TO SAY THE FIRST TIME YOU SLEEP WITH SOMEONE?
"Phew. Beer hasn't worn off yet."

11. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE HISTORICAL DICTATOR AND WHY?
Mussolini, because the man had style.

The time is now

I am MG. Consider your ass WARNED.