Worst song, nay, worst THING ever...

And that would be the god-awful cover of John Lennon's Imagine, repurposed for the gloom-metal crowd by Tool lead singer Maynard James Keenan's side project A Perfect Circle (their motto: "One shitty band wasn't enough!"). Somewhere between the monotonous, dirge-like singing and the de-tuned melody, they've somehow made Imagine depressing.

Let me restate that, because I don't think I've quite nailed it: This asshat took a song about hope and peace and made it sound DEPRESSING. When it's over, I don't feel like imagining a world without differences so much as a world without A Perfect Circle, or failing that, a world where I'm deaf.

Words cannot describe how utterly terrible this song is - you can only compare it to other things equally soul-destroying. I would have to say it's the musical equivalent of a forced prison salad-tossing, or perhaps it's the hunter who killed Bambi's mother. By the time Maynard James Keenan (hmm, a guy that goes by three names...just like Mark David Chapman!) is finished intoning "And the world will live as one" as if he's reading it off of a tombstone, I actually found myself wanting to vote Republican.

I was hoping that once Madonna had covered it we could officially close the book on covering songs that can't be improved on, but now I see that we at least need to call for an international moratorium on covering Imagine. Violation of this edict will result in forfeiture of all possessions (I wonder if we can?).

The upshot to all this is for 311 fans, who will find that that band no longer holds the title for World's Worst Cover for their abominable faux-ska version of "Lovesong" by The Cure, which was merely the musical equivalent of Pauly Shore's Bio-Dome.

(PLUG) Send a poor graphic artist to summer camp

My friend Jake Leenerts (AKA Jake Lee) is dipping his toe into the pool of professional graphic arts. You've seen his work here before: he shot and edited the Kill Bill parody and did graphics like Maximus vs. the Spider. And hey, there's his name down there at the bottom of the page under "credits". Needless to say, I think his Photoshop-fu and Premiere-fu are superior. I've posted a three-and-a-half minute clip of his work that you can download here. If you'd like to get in touch with him for work you can email him too.

Imaginary Girlfriends

Imaginary Girlfriends - Find Your New Imaginary Girlfriend Today!

Whoever thought of this is a bona-fide genius.

"With an Imaginary Girlfriend, you can carry on a completely fictitious, yet authentic looking relationship with the girl of your choice."

I think I've had a few of these kind of relationships for free before.

Thoughts and clarifications on Seth's review of the Beastie Boys, 9/17

Three Jews (Rachel, my brother Seth, and myself) set out on a Friday night to see three other Jews put on a simple hip-hop concert in SF. They were never seen again. They left only this review of the concert, and the following meta-review for uber-nerds. Original text appears in red.

"Last night I went to the best fucking concert of my life!"

Okay, I know he's a little over-exuberant. He says every concert is the best he's ever seen. Give him a break, he's like 14.

"Okay, we got there probably 2 hours before the opening act."

It was more like 45 minutes. Once again, 14 years old. Anything longer than the average Soul Calibre II fight feels like forever to the modern teen.

"I mean, YOU get here 2 HOURS EARLY and lets see how YOU TAKE IT when you get JERKS blockin’ YOUR VIEW! So, I went down there."

I totally sicced him on that woman. I figured big fat nerdy bearded guy gets no sympathy, while cute-as-a-bug long-haired boy gets mucho. Shows what keen insight I have into the mind of the terminally lame...

"As kind as possible I said “Excuse me, we’ve been sitting down hours before the show, and you’re blocking our view. I was wondering if you could move over a little.” And man, she was being a BITCH! She was snappin’ at me, saying “I can’t, if I move there I may block someone...” HELLO?! I ASK FOR HER TO MOVE IN FRONT OF THE AISLE!!!"

All true. He asked her to move all of about six feet.

"They weren’t handicapped at all! Maybe in the head! They must have been buddies with the security guard cuz all the high-fives he gave them, but who cares."

There was obviously some kinda shenanigans going on. These people had no problem going down to the bar for beers, and yukked it up with the guards. Big one-finger salute to those guards.

"The opening acts were good. First, they had a guy with about 20 dogs. He had them do all these great tricks. The even tightrope walked and shit! It was cool!"

I don't care if you lost both parents in a car accident on the way to this show - you would've been smiling after seeing those dogs.

"Then the second act was some rapper guy."

Talib Kweli, straight outta Brooklyn.

"My bro told me that he was on Chapelle Show and Dave Chapelle credited him by being his 'best performer on the show.' He was pretty good."

He was okay. His songs were good, but his performance was straight out of the Hip-Hop Performance for Dummies manual. "Say 'hey'! Say 'ho'! Now scream!" I mean, c'mon, that was tired when Run-DMC would do it 20 years ago. He yelled at us to "make some noise" (or possibly "noize") so I started making bird calls. Hey, he didn't specify...

"Soon enough, the lights dimmed! And on the giant screen was MMM walking into the theatre and through the crowd. He made his way on stage and did a huge turntable solo, if you will."

I'm a little mystified by the "if you will". I'd say "turntable solo" is a perfectly according-to-Oxford description of what Mixmaster Mike did. I'll contact the OED people just to make sure.

"At first, MCA was messing up the lyrics, but they came back, strong!"

I'm almost certain it was Mike D who was messing it up. Seth might be confused by the fact that MCA looks and sounds increasingly like a grizzled Korean War vet.

"They had an awesome line up! They played shit like Triple Trouble, Root Down, Sure Shot, So What'cha Want, Intergalactic, and Paul Revere! Pretty sweet, huh?! Although my bro realized they didn’t play Hey Ladies! They did play Paul Revere!!!"

True, I was hoping to see what Mixmaster Mike would have done with the Wall of Samples on "Hey Ladies", but the presence of "Paul Revere" more than made up for it.

"And no No Sleep Till Brooklyn or Fight For Your Right. But my bro said they’ve probably playing it too much! And I agree. But, it was cool anyways!!!!!"

Actually, what I said in a nutshell was: in the liner notes to The Sounds of Science, MCA said that "Fight for Your Right" was basically a joke that got out of hand. It was a goof on songs like "Smokin in the Boys Room" that Rick Rubin made into a hit record (much to their collective chagrin). They're just sort of embarrassed by that song. But they did play "Brass Monkey", so maybe Yauch is full of shit. Anyway, as Seth said, it was cool.

"At one point the Beasties came out in Bar Mitzvah-powder blue tuxedos-and play like swig/jazz songs."

I would say they were more like a funk/bossa nova fusion, but that could be my jazz-nerd father's DNA talking. To my way of thinking, swing requires a horn section and high tempos. And preferably Heather Graham in a skirt.

"It was great! At one point, they went through the crowd singing. It was awesome!"

The cool part about that was they did what amounted to an extended encore after the house lights came up. I'd always thought the rule was House Lights=End of Show, but the Beastie Boys obviously didn't come to town to follow no stinking rules.

"And to close the night they played Gratitude and the last song was dedicated to George Bush. Guess what it was . . . SABATOGE!!! Ha-ha!!! Man, what a time!"

I have to admit, while I'm hardly a Young Republican, a musician taking a potshot at Bush is about as adventurous as aerating your lawn. How about taking a bold stand against Libertarian Party presidential nominee Michael Badnarik's controversial stance against armed banditry, or the Peace and Freedom Party's nominee Leonard Peltier and his increasingly outlandish plot to escape from prison.

"Well, that was the end of the best concert of my life! My grade is A+++! It was so fucking good!"

Whoa there, Tonto. An A with three pluses? Have you ever given anything a B? It was great, but your scale is whacked. Me, I'm giving it three gold stars and a scratch-and-sniff sticker that smells like pizza.

"If they ever come around again, I’ll see you there!"

He may even ask you to move.

The Lighter Side of Abortion

Every now and then something or someone comes along with a sense of humor that alters your point of view forever. Something that can take a subject that you never considered humorous and make you wonder why you ever laughed at anything else before it. I had one of those moments today, and I'd like to share it with all of you.

I process business checks at the bank I work for. I see so many hundreds in a day that most people's personalized checks barely register in my mind. But today I saw a check that made me laugh AND think. The check series is called "Pro-Life Zingers" and they are produced by an outfit called Lifechecks. These "Zingers" are one-panel cartoons that tickle the funny bone while explaining God's merciless anger with abortionists.

I'll describe my favorite cartoon for you. A man is looking up into the sky (where God lives) and says "God, why haven't you sent us people with cures for AIDS, cancer, world hunger and social problems?" A voice balloon emanating from Heaven replies "I did, but you ABORTED THEM!" Funny and true! (Although, I would have followed it up with a zinger from the man: "Yeah, but we aborted some future Hitlers too, right?")

If there's one thing the anti-abortion movement is missing, it's a sense of humor (You thought I was gonna say compassion, understanding or logic, didn't you? ZING!). I applaud Lifechecks for showing us that the religious right can enjoy a good chuckle over reproductive rights the same way we on the left do. So I submit the following pro-life zingers for them to use as they see fit (note: I won't include cartoons with them, as caricatures are a mockery of God's perfect creation).

• (An ob/gyn holds up a sign that says "Partial Birth Abortion Ban" in front of a pregnant woman bleeding profusely from her birth canal) Woman: "I'm gonna have this baby today if it kills me!"
• (A pregnant woman is talking to her friend) Pregnant woman: "God assured me that my baby being born acephalic is all part of His divine plan." Friend: "How awful though. Your baby will be born with no brain!" Pregnant woman: "Oh, I'm not worried. We're Mormons!"
• (A man with an anti-abortion picket sign is admonishing a pregnant woman outside an abortion clinic) Perfectly Reasonable Man: Don't be so selfish, lady. It's called a uterUS, not a uterYOU!"
  

Some thoughts from our founder

When I'm doing my Herb Caen impression, it must mean I've got writer's block. I'd kill for escarabajo loco right about now ... I was watching Lord Vader addressing his minions in New York this evening. Cheney just oozes sex appeal, the way he talks out of the corner of his mouth and hunches to one side. Is it any wonder why he's the sexiest veep since Schuyler Colfax? ... I had a couple of friends over tonight whom I hadn't seen in a long time. We spent the whole night talking shit about other friends. I'll be receiving my vagina in the mail any day now ... I know everyone expected a VMA post like last year. Well guess what you sad bastards, I didn't watch it. I'd like to be all hipster-y and say it's because I was busy finishing a photo collage while bungee-jumping out of a poetry slam or something, but I just forgot. You get older, these things start to mean less. Maybe I'll watch it later. Did any asses really stand out this year? ... I went to Fry's this weekend and talked myself out of a few big purchases. If you don't have a Fry's where you live, it's like Ikea, but with electronics instead of furniture, and a fresh scent of pine instead of the smell of burning sulfur. I was looking at a new Sony Cybershot digital camera, and I swear, the credit card was in my hand. But stupid salesboy disappeared. He was gonna look for batteries so I could check out the camera, but I guess batteries are really hard to come by in an electronics store. No commision for you! Whole day was like that. I saw something I liked and instantly I became Salesman Kryptonite. Then, as I'm walking out of the store through the DVD section (not even looking at the stock, mind you, just walking along), I got accosted by four salesmen in rapid succession. I love Fry's, but I'm through with their staff. It's all about the five-finger discount next time I show up ... Allow me to go all Larry King for a second: Napoleon Dynamite may be the funniest film you'll see all year! ... I'm getting kinda sleepy. I'm gonna let Paul Harvey finish this post for me ... And now, page 2. Edith Malhavoc of Needles, CA writes: "Dear Paul Harvey. I recently lost my beloved husband, the family goldfish and our prize-winning local marching band in a tractor accident. I mourned for months and feared my life was over. Every night I returned to the bed that we shared together for 40 years and prayed for the sweet release of Death to take me while I slept. And then I heard your ad for the Select Comfort Mattress and decided to try it's money-back guarantee. Now I no l0nger feel the soul-crushing despair of the empty side of the bed as I drift off to sleep every night. Thank you." If you'd like to experience the Select Comfort Mattress for yourself, just call me, Paul Harvey. The Select Comfort Mattress and I will pleasure you in ways you've only read about in Penthouse Forum. And that's a money-back guarantee every time. Until then, this is Paul Harvey. Good day!