Get Lost

I've received a coded email from new correspondent MakingShitUpMan on upcoming episodes of ABC's LOST! He's been arrested six times in Honolulu for breaking into Damon Lindelof's bungalow to steal scripts, and now he's ready to spill the beans. Read on...

Ep. 2-14: Baby Aaron is kidnapped by the Others or Locke or Hurley or someone, and Claire's just like "fuck it". In her flashback, it's revealed that Eko is Aaron's real father, and that he wore a very large bag over his head during conception.

Ep. 2-17: Locke trips on a dolly track from one of those bitchin' sweep-around shots they like to do of him and knocks himself out. While unconscious, the sunlight reflecting off his head causes a small forest fire. In his coma-induced flashback, eagle-eyed viewers can clearly see Sayid shooting JFK from the grassy knoll.

Ep. 2-19: In an episode sure to be a fan favorite, Ana-Lucia is killed in a drive-by shooting 2 years before Flight 815 even took off. It turns out the last 20 episodes have been dreams, but only the parts of the episodes with her in them.

Ep. 2-22: Jack puts his surgical skills on the line as he races against time to save Sawyer's hair. In Jack's flashback we see him grapple with the decision whether to book his flight to Australia directly through the airline or to take his chances with Priceline. Look for a cameo by William Shatner.

Ep. 2-24: A LOST first! This season finale is written by a popular online fanfic writer-turned-pro. In this blockbuster, Sawyer, Locke, Eko and Sayid surrender to their mutual lust and make a pile of moist multiracial flesh. Special guest star David Boreanaz helps Jin fight a mummy, and the whole island is rescued with the help of Commander Data.

Spoiler alert: You've just been spoiled. Be more alert next time.

Pat Robertson: Comedy Goldmine

While listening to the news at work, I got a good chuckle when I heard that Pat Robertson has declared that Ariel Sharon's massive stroke was divine punishment for "dividing God's land". I was unsurprised because I've been a big fan of this man's work for years. You talk about edgy humor, he makes Lenny Bruce look like Bob Hope. I mean, I've been known to take a potshot every now and then at a sacred cow, but only a true comedic genius would ask us to pray for the deaths of Supreme Court justices or tell us that 9/11 was God's retribution for America's refusal to persecute queers and heathens! You keep your Lenos and your Foxworthys, I'm gonna sit right here and be entertained by The 700 Club.

But my problem is he's only stirred to deliver his awesome bits when big Tragedies strike. What would be his take, his Pat Robertspin, if you will, on the smaller news items of the day? Let's just strap on the old Helm of Telepathy and find out!

"The floods in Northern California last weekend was God's awesome wrath visited upon that modern-day Sodom, Healdsburg."

"God turned His back on those children in San Ramon whose parents abandoned them for a Vegas trip as a sign of His anger with gambling, America's permissiveness towards homosexuality, and His hatred of autistic kids."


"Texas' victory over USC in the Rose Bowl was ordained by the Lord, for He is greatly offended that the Trojans would attempt a quarterback sneak with an empty set backfield."


"You don't have to be a genius to see the wickedness in a director from New Zealand trying to sell us a film that shows a woman cavorting with a wild jungle beast. That's why the Lord smote King Kong's earnings this weekend, returning the throne of box office champion to the righteous Chronicles of Narnia."


"God allowed the cancellation of Fox's "Arrested Development" as a sign of His displeasure with smart people. It's all there in the Book of Nielsen."