Special Report - Pregnant Women: What's the deal with 'em?

I don't know whether it's the aura of raw sexual power I exude or pure coincedence, but while I've been at my current job assignment (approx. 10 months) two women in my department have gotten pregnant (that I know about, heh heh). There's only about a dozen women in my office, half of whom are past child-bearing age, so it seems like something of a statistical anomaly. One gave birth about 2 months ago, and the other is starting to show big-time.

Which leads me to my point, namely, pregnant women scare the crap out of me. I don't know who these nutjobs are who say that pregnant women glow or that nothing is so beautiful as a woman with child, but they've obviously never worked with one. They turn into raging hormonal freight-trains. This woman pees about once every ten minutes. She doesn't look like she's enjoying herself too much. They need to take all these 13 year old girls from Jerry Springer panels who want to have a baby to keep them company through those lonely high school years and pair them up with an actual pregnant woman. I guarantee they'll want their tubes tied in a matter of hours.

I have nothing against children, I kinda like other peoples' kids. I don't have any of my own nor do I plan to have any, although I do enjoy the conception how-to videos and magazines. But why does the process of actually bearing one have to be so, well, disgusting? I mean, we've got scientists with test tubes and vacuum hoses, can't they do something about this already? The day that we can travel to the doctor in our flying car after eating our lunch pill so we can look at our growing vat-baby is going to be a great day in America.

JOIN THE DON'TGIVEACRATS...in which our host weighs in on the California political crisis

Ambivalent voters of California, Unite! Or Don't! We don't care!

We're the Don'tgiveacrats, the party for you! "You" being the vast number of people who didn't vote for our governor, didn't sign the recall petition, didn't vote for the president, and didn't vote for the purple M&Ms. Finally, there is a political party that caters to your apathy, your jadedness, your ennui.

What's our platform, you fail to ask? Well, I'll tell you anyway:

TAXES: Eh.

EDUCATION: Sure, why not.

WELFARE REFORM: I don't know, what do you think?

ABORTION: Whatever floats your boat, man.

CAMPAIGN FINANCE: You gonna eat that?

JUDICIAL APPOINTMENTS: You play that Matrix game yet?

DRUG LAWS: That game's hella tight. Hella.

TERRORISM: That's still a bad thing, isn't it? We haven't watched the news in awhile.

You might be wondering what kind of political action plan you can expect from a party with no candidates on any ballot anywhere (or maybe you're not). The Don'tgiveacrats plan is simple: we urge everyone not to vote at all. Are you tired of the old jokers in Sacramento and Washington DC getting replaced at random intervals with a new set of jokers? That's because a very small group of you are STILL VOTING. It's simple logic: if no one votes, no jackasses can possibly win. It's like nihilism, but without the German accents!

Next time you feel the need to vote, ask yourself the following questions:

Isn't there a sporting event and/or funny rerun on TV tonight?
Aren't you feeling a little hungry?
If you have kids and/or pets, couldn't they use a little attention, you selfish bastard?
Shouldn't you go buy that stuff to help you pass your drug test on Monday?

Remember, inaction begins at home. Let our leaders know that silence speaks volumes. And repeat the Don'tgiveacrat's war chant:

"What do we want? SOMETHING! When do we want it? WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU!"

In a perfect world...

...magical pixies would sneak into teenagers' bedrooms late at night and transmute thier AFI cds into Velvet Underground albums, and their Linkin Park MP3s into Dead Kennedys' songs. Teenagers would show their love for their new idols by either becoming smack-addicted Greenwich Village trannies or by running for mayor of San Francisco.

...schools would receive billions in taxpayer dollars and the Air Force would have to hold a bake sale to buy bombers. Their first bombing targets would be all those rich-ass schools.

...Dusty Baker wouldn't be allowed anywhere near a crucial, must-win ballgame ever again. Oh wait, he coaches for the Cubs now. Shouldn't be an issue anymore.

...California Democrats would respond to the threat of an Arnold Schwarzenegger gubernatorial campaign by nominating the Vulcan chick from Enterprise.

...The Daily Show's Lewis Black would have a hit sitcom. It would consist of him screaming at his family and wacky neighbor for a half-hour every week.

...people who say that "The Simpsons" isn't funny anymore would be forced to watch an episode of "The King of Queens" to see what "not funny" actually looks like.

...Will Smith would stop making shitty movies and go back to making shitty rap songs.

...the word "Titanic" and the phrase "Oscar Winner" would never appear together.

...there would be a Temp Workers Appreciation Day. It would involve oral sex and large cash bonuses.

American Gods

I'm about a third of the way through American Gods by Neil Gaiman. This is good stuff so far. Rachel and I devoured Good Omens in about a week total, so we'd been itching for this one. Gaiman's just the bee's knees. I think I like his books better than his comics, er, "graphic novels" as the author bio in the back says. That's funny, "graphic novels" don't usually come out every month. Sounds like Gaiman's got some issues, pun intended.

It's fun reading. An ex-con with a penchant for coin tricks is hired by the Norse god Odin to be his muscle. The gods of ancient immigrant cultures are real and live amongst us in the U.S., but they're mostly burnouts and losers. Roadside tourist traps like giant twine balls and the House on the Rock are "places of power", the American equivalent of Stonehenge or the Pyramids. That explains the hell out of the Mystery Spot.

There's a good bit in the book about how Americans are the only people who think to look for the "soul" of their country, who worry about what America is. People in Norway and Mozambique, to paraphrase the book, don't need to go searching for the heart of Norway, or the soul of Mozambique. "They know what they are," as Mr. Wednesday says. I wonder what is it about America that's never quite reconciled itself with its people? Why we have this need to understand, not just where America came from or is going (and few feel the need to know that, if you believe statistics), but to understand WHY America is? Maybe it's because we all have the wanderlust of our immigrant ancestors, who believed that America was the land of milk and honey. Maybe we're all just trying to find that lost corner of the country that fits the description in the tour guide.

So this book's got me feeling like a road trip. I guess I just haven't seen enough of this country yet.

I'm back, baby!

Sorry for the delay. Lots of Blogger issues, but it came down to something pretty simple in the end. Blogger's tech support website is not exactly a miracle of convenience though. I checked that sucker several times a week looking for solutions to my problem, and finally found something on Blogspot's site that helped. So we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

BTW, I'm up to 2.3 on Net Riddle. Haven't checked it out in a week; I have to go cold turkey for awhile. I need another internet addiction like I need another nose.