Smash Evil!

I had the distinct pleasure yesterday of returning a bounced check for $5000 someone had written to the Benny Hinn Ministries. As you can imagine, it did my heart good to keep money out of that shyster's pockets. But it got me thinking: what on Earth would make someone give five large to a televangelist? How much good did Hinn promise to do with that cash? I'm talking specifics here; these guys have a tendency to be real vague about what they intend to do with the money you send them. They're gonna help some people...somewhere. They're going to heal a sick dude...somewhere.

I don't doubt that the dumbass who wrote the check had some good intentions, I just think they're misdirected. So an idea, no doubt implanted in my brain by Jesus himself, formed in my mind...

THE "WICKED MACHINE WITCH HUNT" PLAN

Tired of sending money to televangelists who make vague promises of spreading good, and then you turn on the evening news and it's nothing but horror, misery and Fergie videos? That's because Satan is out there 24/7, stirring the cauldron of nightmares with the help of his terrestrial servants.

Well, I'm not here to make vague promises to you. I am going to promise you something right now that will make the world a better place in tangible ways - ways no godless scientist will ever be able to deny:

Send me $5000 US, and I will hunt down and murder a Satan worshipper.

Now, I'm not talking about hairy armpitted Wiccans or faggy "Do what thou wilt" Crowleyites here. Regardless of what you've heard, they're mostly harmless. No, what I'm talking about is virgin-sacrificing, goat blood-drinking, "666" on their forehead-tattooing, Mayhem-listening SATANISTS. They're EVERYWHERE, and they're out there everyday selling our planet down the river Styx. And I aim to do something about it. But I need your help.

Here's my witch hunter credentials:

• I am an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. As a man of the cloth, my touch is bane to all creatures of evil.
• I used to be an avid listener of the metal band Slayer in high school, and thus, I have a unique insight into the depraved pagan mind.
• I have read numerous Time-Life books on the occult.
• I've seen Arthur Miller's witch hunt drama "The Crucible" - ON STAGE mind you, not the crappy movie with Winona Ryder.

For every $5000 donation that clears, I will don my armor of faith, jump into my special tricked-out van, track the evil ones down, and root those vile supplicants of Baphomet out of their filthy cave using my consecrated flamethrower. After throwing a big net over them, I will bind and gag them, baptise them, and then put them to the sword - THE WAY GOD INTENDED IT.

Despite what may seem like a high price tag, you'll be surprised to find out that this is mostly a non-profit endeavor. Your $5000 donation will cover:

• Room and board and airfare so I can carry the fight against Satanic covens all over the world. I've heard there's tons of Satanists in Paris, usually around April.
• Special Satan-detecting equipment.
• Ammo, torches, holy water, garlic, napalm, and other anti-Satanic gear.
• Startup capital and upkeep for my new website, www.destroyallsatanists.com.
• A modest stipend for entertainment-related research. To fight your enemy, you must know your enemy. For instance, I've heard rare Europe-only Radiohead EPs are just crawling with Satanic commands.
• A glossy 8x10, suitable for framing, of the Satanist I've sent SCREAMING TO HELL with your donation.

I am the only cyberevangelist who can back up your donations with REAL effects. Help me defeat the Antichrist's army once and for all. Just hit the Paypal link in the sidebar and send me five thousand dollars so I can begin the Lord's work. Slayer begins a new tour next week, so there isn't a moment to lose.