Fear and Loathing at the MTV Awards

From the title, you can probably guess how I felt about tonight's MTV Video Music Awards. For the unenlightened however, here's some post-viewing thoughts...

That Beyonce's got quite an ass on her. I mean, really. That's an ass you can take to the bank.

Good Charlotte is America's favorite band? Really? They make Blink-182 look innovative. You gotta love the audacity of that Anthem song. "Oooh, we're nonconformists! We don't want to be a part of your Kelly Clarkson world!". That's just a teensy bit over the disingenous line. I mean, how can you be a nonconformist when your band is a ripoff of bands that were, themselves, ripoffs? Say what you want about the Kelly Clarksons of the world. At least she's upfront about being a tool.

If Beyonce's ass and J. Lo's ass got in a fight, who'd win? Us.

I see that MTV now shows how hip they are by nominating videos they never actually play. *Cough* *Cough* *Johnny Cash* *Cough*. Not that he had a snowball's chance in hell of taking anything major. Man, that would have been sweet though. I guess that's why God made a Bizarro World.

Did anyone else reach for a barf bag when Metallica started playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit"? I know I did. Then I realized that they were just being playfully ironic, around the time they started jamming on "Seven Nation Army". A band that's been through three bassists playing a song by a band that's never had *one*. It's a big joke, get it? Ho ho, that Metallica. As James Lipton would say,"They are a delight."

Beyonce's ass should get a special award for Best Use of an Ass.

They sure hyped the shit out of Chris Rock. He was awesome, but he was on stage for about five minutes. That stupid sketch with Eminem and Special Ed seemed to last longer than his opening monologue.

I've been searching for an analogy to all this hoopla, and the best I can come up with is blue balls. The VMA's are like having blue balls. It's lots of fun to start off with, what with the teasing and the ass-slapping and the Coldplay nominations. You're starting to get into it a little, when suddenly it all goes terribly wrong, and your left feeling disappointed and grabbing your crotch in pain. OK, I didn't say it would be a good analogy.

I know I've already done some pissing and moaning about Johnny Cash not winning the big prize, but the real crime was what wasn't even nominated. We all know the REAL best video of the year was "P.I.M.P." by 50 Cent. It's all about the Pimp Legion of Doom. Fo' shizzle.

I'm going to market a new hypnotherapy tape for people who want to quit smoking. It's called "A 30 Minute Slow-Motion Loop of Beyonce's Ass Jiggling".

Good night everybody! And good luck to Adam!