Pulp Crucifiction

An open letter to Mel Gibson

I went out and saw your new film The Passion of the Christ this afternoon. Entertaining? Hoo boy, was it ever! Was it as much fun to make as it was to watch? Now, it was a tad violent, but then again my favorite scene in Braveheart was the torture/execution at the end, and this movie was like 2 hours of that! Hooray!

However I did have a couple of problems with this film. First of all, this Jesus guy is just a little too unbelievable as a character. First off, this sucker is cut. Rock hard abs, bulging biceps; you can tell he's not just doing carpentry for the free tables. But when the temple guards come for him in the olive grove, how come he doesn't throw down? Now Peter, that guy was hardcore. Lay a hand on his buddy Jesus and off goes your ear! And what does JC do? Right when it's getting interesting, he tells Peter to put down his sword. WTF?!?!? That could have been one righteous fight scene. It even looked like Jesus had powers like Neo from the Matrix! You dropped the ball big time Mel.

Which leads me to the next problem: Jesus is just too nice. He's always all "Turn the other cheek"-this and "Love your enemy as you would thy neighbor"-that. I don't care what my dad tells me, no way I'm praying for the guys who are crucifying me.

Also, it appears as if he's in love with his mom, or possibly those dirty hippie guys who follow him around. Yuck-o. They even had that fine-ass Persephone chick from the Matrix as the Potential Love Interest, but nothing happens. Meanwhile, he's telling dudes to eat his flesh and drink him and stuff. Did you establish in the movie that this Jesus guy was gay, or maybe one of those fruity Anne Rice vampires (y'know, to explain the powers)? I mean, either way is cool, I was just wondering if I missed it.

Last but not least is what I call the Big Daddy Factor. All throughout the movie you keep playing up what a collossal badass Jesus's dad is. So when you actually (SPOILER) kill Jesus at the end, I was expecting his Dad to show up with his ball-stomping boots laced up. So what happens, what's the big action-packed climax? There's a little storm and a mild earthquake fucks up the Temple. AND THAT'S IT. C'mon dude, I live in California, we eat storms and earthquakes for breakfast and then ask for a bowl of killer bees. This "God" guy's a lightweight. I thought we were gonna see some 10' tall hoary thunderer kicking Roman rectae and taking down nominae. Talk about a let-down.

All throughout the movie, I kept feeling like I was really watching the first act of a bigger movie. And sure enough, there's a big fat Hint of Impending Sequel at the end of the movie which I will not give away here. Did you pull a Kill Bill? Should we expect a Passion of the Christ Volume II about six months from now? Because, honestly, there's a lot of unresolved issues at the end of the movie. For one thing, those fuckers Pilate and Caiphas have got to go. I was thinking it would be tight to see Jesus chase them around with one of those scourges, and then Peter can get one of those big-ass Braveheart prop swords that you probably have lying around your house and just kneecap those torturer guys with it.

Then he and Dad high-five, Jesus scores with that Magdalene chick, and fade to credits.