In a perfect world...

...magical pixies would sneak into teenagers' bedrooms late at night and transmute thier AFI cds into Velvet Underground albums, and their Linkin Park MP3s into Dead Kennedys' songs. Teenagers would show their love for their new idols by either becoming smack-addicted Greenwich Village trannies or by running for mayor of San Francisco.

...schools would receive billions in taxpayer dollars and the Air Force would have to hold a bake sale to buy bombers. Their first bombing targets would be all those rich-ass schools.

...Dusty Baker wouldn't be allowed anywhere near a crucial, must-win ballgame ever again. Oh wait, he coaches for the Cubs now. Shouldn't be an issue anymore.

...California Democrats would respond to the threat of an Arnold Schwarzenegger gubernatorial campaign by nominating the Vulcan chick from Enterprise.

...The Daily Show's Lewis Black would have a hit sitcom. It would consist of him screaming at his family and wacky neighbor for a half-hour every week.

...people who say that "The Simpsons" isn't funny anymore would be forced to watch an episode of "The King of Queens" to see what "not funny" actually looks like.

...Will Smith would stop making shitty movies and go back to making shitty rap songs.

...the word "Titanic" and the phrase "Oscar Winner" would never appear together.

...there would be a Temp Workers Appreciation Day. It would involve oral sex and large cash bonuses.