Pat Robertson: Comedy Goldmine

While listening to the news at work, I got a good chuckle when I heard that Pat Robertson has declared that Ariel Sharon's massive stroke was divine punishment for "dividing God's land". I was unsurprised because I've been a big fan of this man's work for years. You talk about edgy humor, he makes Lenny Bruce look like Bob Hope. I mean, I've been known to take a potshot every now and then at a sacred cow, but only a true comedic genius would ask us to pray for the deaths of Supreme Court justices or tell us that 9/11 was God's retribution for America's refusal to persecute queers and heathens! You keep your Lenos and your Foxworthys, I'm gonna sit right here and be entertained by The 700 Club.

But my problem is he's only stirred to deliver his awesome bits when big Tragedies strike. What would be his take, his Pat Robertspin, if you will, on the smaller news items of the day? Let's just strap on the old Helm of Telepathy and find out!

"The floods in Northern California last weekend was God's awesome wrath visited upon that modern-day Sodom, Healdsburg."

"God turned His back on those children in San Ramon whose parents abandoned them for a Vegas trip as a sign of His anger with gambling, America's permissiveness towards homosexuality, and His hatred of autistic kids."


"Texas' victory over USC in the Rose Bowl was ordained by the Lord, for He is greatly offended that the Trojans would attempt a quarterback sneak with an empty set backfield."


"You don't have to be a genius to see the wickedness in a director from New Zealand trying to sell us a film that shows a woman cavorting with a wild jungle beast. That's why the Lord smote King Kong's earnings this weekend, returning the throne of box office champion to the righteous Chronicles of Narnia."


"God allowed the cancellation of Fox's "Arrested Development" as a sign of His displeasure with smart people. It's all there in the Book of Nielsen."