Get Lost

I've received a coded email from new correspondent MakingShitUpMan on upcoming episodes of ABC's LOST! He's been arrested six times in Honolulu for breaking into Damon Lindelof's bungalow to steal scripts, and now he's ready to spill the beans. Read on...

Ep. 2-14: Baby Aaron is kidnapped by the Others or Locke or Hurley or someone, and Claire's just like "fuck it". In her flashback, it's revealed that Eko is Aaron's real father, and that he wore a very large bag over his head during conception.

Ep. 2-17: Locke trips on a dolly track from one of those bitchin' sweep-around shots they like to do of him and knocks himself out. While unconscious, the sunlight reflecting off his head causes a small forest fire. In his coma-induced flashback, eagle-eyed viewers can clearly see Sayid shooting JFK from the grassy knoll.

Ep. 2-19: In an episode sure to be a fan favorite, Ana-Lucia is killed in a drive-by shooting 2 years before Flight 815 even took off. It turns out the last 20 episodes have been dreams, but only the parts of the episodes with her in them.

Ep. 2-22: Jack puts his surgical skills on the line as he races against time to save Sawyer's hair. In Jack's flashback we see him grapple with the decision whether to book his flight to Australia directly through the airline or to take his chances with Priceline. Look for a cameo by William Shatner.

Ep. 2-24: A LOST first! This season finale is written by a popular online fanfic writer-turned-pro. In this blockbuster, Sawyer, Locke, Eko and Sayid surrender to their mutual lust and make a pile of moist multiracial flesh. Special guest star David Boreanaz helps Jin fight a mummy, and the whole island is rescued with the help of Commander Data.

Spoiler alert: You've just been spoiled. Be more alert next time.