Keanu - Unsafe at any speed

Decided what my vacation needed today was a Keanu movie. Constantine didn't disappoint on that count, as it's veritably loaded with Mr. Reeves from beginning to end. They can't take that away from this movie - it definitely has Keanu Reeves in it.

Other than that, your mileage may vary. I was willing to go along with the K-Man as John Constantine, with the small proviso that he not suck like a chest wound.

I'm getting used to living with disappointment.

Keanu needed to hit it out of the park, and instead he phoned this one in from Planet Cardboard. I may be alone in this, but I think he can be really good in the right kind of roles, and I'm not just talking about Bill & Ted here. I thought he was a perfect casting choice for the Matrix. But this film needed someone with boatloads more charisma, sarcasm and wit than poor Keanu can coax from his pretty little head.

Not all his fault though. The script had some real clunkers in it ("He believes in you" just had me groaning) and the pacing was torpid. The story liked to throw in lots of supposedly "kewl" stuff like bottles full of dragon fire, the Spear of Destiny and dunking your feet in water so you can travel to Hell; all of which was certainly interesting but ultimately got filed in the "who gives a shit" cabinet. A good half hour could have been sliced off this thing and it wouldn't have been the worse for wear (preferably a half hour featuring the Golden Shotgun of God).

There were some bright spots. I have a hard time not liking Rachel Weisz. She's no Katherine Hepburn but she sells her part well and it doesn't hurt that she's real purty. Djimon Hounsou was great as the old-school Papa Midnite who's trying to hold onto an evaporating status quo. He's an excellent actor who really needs more work. Tilda Swinton was PERFECT as Gabriel, even though the script really sold her character short in the end. And Shia LeBeouf should be in every movie made from now on, because I really like saying "LeBeouf".

In the end, it wasn't loathesome, but it was just so-so and that's worse in a lot of ways, especially when you consider how rich the source material is.

(Incidentally, the film lost points for me when I realized Balthazar was played by that douche who married Gwen Stefani, but gained them right back when Keanu turned his face into a grease spot with his +5 Holy brass knuckles. Maybe I'll get the DVD just to queue it up to that scene over and over and over...)