I know web-fu.

As you, the audience at home can see, we've made some changes around here. Repurposing the paradigm for the 21st century while building a broad-based coalition of synergistically-aligned units to affect an enhanced global mindshare. In bed.

I've picked up just enough HTML in the last week or two to make myself dangerous (mostly to myself). I constructed the new splash page, utilizing an image Jake made for me a long time ago, all by my lonesome. Teacher told me that I'm the smartest boy ever and she gave me a scratch-n-sniff sticker and I scratched it and it smelled like pizza and then I made the bunny go to heaven by petting him too hard.

And Rachel thought she was gonna hurt my feelings by saying it's "amateurish"? I am an amateur! Not just at the HTML thing either. I mean, just read some of this shit. The New Yorker this ain't. But I wanted to try some things on my own, to see what my limits were before I pull out the credit card and pay a professional web designer. Which is most likely what I'll end up doing. I'm all content baby, leave the technical side to someone else.

So, I know enough about the web to know this place sorta sucks. I hear a gasp - no, it's true folks. I can't do too much about the level of writing around here without attending some kind of workshop/class/chautaqua (don't I wish I could skip over it with an 80's music video-style montage. Take it to the limit!) but I'm endeavoring to make this site feel more like an attraction. I want to be the bookmark someone checks on everyday. Shit, who am I kidding, I'd settle for just being someone's bookmark.

So bear with me in this difficult time of transition. I made everything all blue-ish until the new website is ready because I got bored with the goth look. I 86'd the forum for intensely personal, spiritual reasons that boil down to wanting an open PHP slot for, uh, something someday. No more email link either; I was getting way too much spam and I figured if you wanted to communicate with me you'd either post a comment, OR you'd already know my email address because you're one of my friends and not some guy named Horace who wants to sell me Canadian Viagra. For everyone's benefit I got rid of the Google ad experiment too. I don't know how you'll ever be able to find Hilary Duff cd's without it but you'll just have to keep looking. I'm leaving up that other vestige of never-used Wicked Machinery, the link to my Cafepress store, in the hopes that some shirtless, hatless reader will leave my site properly attired. Besides, that "0 Sales" notation when I login to Cafepress keeps me grounded, lest I trick myself into believing that someone really did die and make me Elvis.

So to review: This place will be funnier*. This place will look much cooler**. And this place will ROCK YOU***.

*Funnier to me. You will continue to find it trite and highly derivative.
**Again, only applies to me, and keep in mind that I thought the Dungeons and Dragons movie was "kinda cool". Be afraid.
***The sort of ROCKING you can only get from a washed-up journalist-turned-banker who gets an almost sexual thrill from balancing his checkbook. Cum on, feel the noize. I dare you.