Rage Against the Wicked Machine

Two weeks until the election and I still don't have anything to wear! ... Gov. Schwarzenegger has broken with the Republican platform to endorse California's Proposition 71, a bond issue that would generate $3 billion for stem-cell research in the state. My question to you: is anyone else a little alarmed that a rabble-rousing, egocentric Aryan is in favor of cloning? ... Speaking of our Oberkaliforniafuhrer, I've gotta tell you I'm still a little in denial, even after over a year since the recall election. I'll be humming along all day, thinking about flowers or interest rates or something, and I'll put on the TV and the newsjockey will say something like "Gov. Schwarzenegger today signed a bill approving yadda yadda," and I'll do a double take. For a second it sounds like a joke, and then I remember last fall. Oh yeah. Terminator, Predator, Mr. Freeze. That guy ... The big news over the last couple of days was Jon Stewart and Tucker Carlson going mano-a-bowtie on Crossfire, in which Jon Stewart told MotherTucker that he was a "dick", a "partisan hack" and that he was "hurting America". I say huzzah. Yea verily, Jon speaks the truth. Unfortunately, once again I beat Stewart to the punch five months ago. Now, I let it go with a stern warning and a shaken fist last time, but now I'm gonna start asking for royalties ... Oh, who am I kidding, it's blindingly apparent to all except Bowtie Boy what a collossal phallus he is. I hope Jon Stewart goes into a Miniature Hebrew rage and pummels The Tuck senseless, and then uses his body as a set of pale, fleshy nunchucks to beat Robert Novak with. There's yer moment of Zen, beeyotch! ... Before you vote, go see Team America: World Police. The previews can't do it justice. It's like if Michael Bay and Paul Wolfowitz made a porno together ... I found out what the hump was on Bush's back during the debates, and it's not a wire. It's a little technical, but basically that's the disembodied homunculus of Dick Cheney. Y'see, when he's not overseeing slush funds or no-bid contracts or kicking puppies, he sustains his ghastly half-existence as a sort of parasitic entity, feasting upon George Bush's vital fluids via his spine. Outlandish? Maybe. But I swear I heard him slip up during the VP debate and call the President "Vitamin W" ... I'm Max Gerry, and I approved this blog post.