Some thoughts from our founder

When I'm doing my Herb Caen impression, it must mean I've got writer's block. I'd kill for escarabajo loco right about now ... I was watching Lord Vader addressing his minions in New York this evening. Cheney just oozes sex appeal, the way he talks out of the corner of his mouth and hunches to one side. Is it any wonder why he's the sexiest veep since Schuyler Colfax? ... I had a couple of friends over tonight whom I hadn't seen in a long time. We spent the whole night talking shit about other friends. I'll be receiving my vagina in the mail any day now ... I know everyone expected a VMA post like last year. Well guess what you sad bastards, I didn't watch it. I'd like to be all hipster-y and say it's because I was busy finishing a photo collage while bungee-jumping out of a poetry slam or something, but I just forgot. You get older, these things start to mean less. Maybe I'll watch it later. Did any asses really stand out this year? ... I went to Fry's this weekend and talked myself out of a few big purchases. If you don't have a Fry's where you live, it's like Ikea, but with electronics instead of furniture, and a fresh scent of pine instead of the smell of burning sulfur. I was looking at a new Sony Cybershot digital camera, and I swear, the credit card was in my hand. But stupid salesboy disappeared. He was gonna look for batteries so I could check out the camera, but I guess batteries are really hard to come by in an electronics store. No commision for you! Whole day was like that. I saw something I liked and instantly I became Salesman Kryptonite. Then, as I'm walking out of the store through the DVD section (not even looking at the stock, mind you, just walking along), I got accosted by four salesmen in rapid succession. I love Fry's, but I'm through with their staff. It's all about the five-finger discount next time I show up ... Allow me to go all Larry King for a second: Napoleon Dynamite may be the funniest film you'll see all year! ... I'm getting kinda sleepy. I'm gonna let Paul Harvey finish this post for me ... And now, page 2. Edith Malhavoc of Needles, CA writes: "Dear Paul Harvey. I recently lost my beloved husband, the family goldfish and our prize-winning local marching band in a tractor accident. I mourned for months and feared my life was over. Every night I returned to the bed that we shared together for 40 years and prayed for the sweet release of Death to take me while I slept. And then I heard your ad for the Select Comfort Mattress and decided to try it's money-back guarantee. Now I no l0nger feel the soul-crushing despair of the empty side of the bed as I drift off to sleep every night. Thank you." If you'd like to experience the Select Comfort Mattress for yourself, just call me, Paul Harvey. The Select Comfort Mattress and I will pleasure you in ways you've only read about in Penthouse Forum. And that's a money-back guarantee every time. Until then, this is Paul Harvey. Good day!