Pimping: Easy or Not?

I've been thinking a lot about pimps lately. Well, truthfully, I've been thinking about pimping itself. The artform, if you will. I've found myself in something of a rut professionally in the last few years. I'm told that these are the years when you decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. And honestly, maybe this is the MTV talking, but I think I want to be a pimp.

There's a few obstacles however. First off, I'm not big on the degradation of women. I can't say the word "bitch" with a straight face. I've got nothing against prostitution but I'm not sure I want to be the guy profiting from it. I suppose I can get over that if it's a prerequisite for the job, but no pimp-slapping. As Sir Mix-a-lot once rapped, I treat my women like Flo-Jo.

Second, hardcore drugs seem to be a big part of the pimp/ho business dynamic. Now, I'm no angel, but I don't want to push crack. As my grandfather used to say, "A crack salesman used to mean you were just a really good salesman." So no drugs.

Also, I lack a name conducive to pimping. Max Gerry does your taxes. Max Gerry will format a spreadsheet. Max Gerry will paint any car for $99.95. But you don't go to a guy named Max Gerry for his stable of hos. This at least, I can do something about.

Let's start with the archetypical pimp, American Pimp star and Snoop Dogg hanger-on Bishop Don Magic Juan. That's a lot of titles he's got on him, starting with the religious one. I can't be Bishop, since he is, so I'm going to go with Cardinal.

Now I need a title of respect, such as Don. I'm going to go with the original pimp, the Marquis de Sade, and use Marquis de Something.

Now I need some kind of general innuendo. That "Magic Juan" works nicely for him. I need something that's both playful and gives the notion that I'm packing a trouser snake of mythological proportions. So henceforth, my pimp name is:

Cardinal Marquis de Swizzle Stick. Or, as Snoop shall know me, Swizzle Stizzle.