Fecal Matters

[Editor's Note: The following may be strictly too much information, or "TMI", for some people's sensitivities. I'd advise those people to take a mild sedative, spend several hours on ratemypoo.com, and come back here when they feel properly jaded.]

I found out tonight that, for Rachel's family anyway, the height of strangeness is people who fold toilet paper so as to get more than one wipe from a given length. I wish I could tell you exactly how we arrived at this topic, but it's one of those "you had to be there" kind of things. So I'm now a multi-wiper in a single-wipe world. Here's the thing: I've done that my entire life (the part of my life spent wiping, that is), so long that I can't remember if it was learned or instinctual. I didn't know this method was weird at all. It doesn't strike me as any more or less wasteful or unclean than the other way. Hell, if pressed, I would have guesstimated that everyone did it that way. But Rachel and her brother were looking at me like I just beamed in from Planet Mongo.

So as far as I can tell, there's four distinct wiping methods (unless there's some sort of fifth option I haven't taken into account, possibly involving the ancient Hindu art of Prana):

1. Tear off a given length of TP. Wipe once, throw in toilet.
2. Tear off a longer length than option 1. Wipe once, fold, and repeat until usable surface area of paper is too small to handle in a sanitary fashion or until it resembles a swan or airplane.
3. Bidets, or that magical Japanese toilet that cleans you automatically while you sit there.
4. Poo in hand. Fling at unsuspecting tourists.

Which one do you use? Does this decision say anything about you as a person? Are single-users the sort of bold, Wall Street Journal-reading go-getters that made this country great, whereas multis are prone to sitting in cafes while reading Proust and discussing their favorite kinetic sculptors? Are single-users better lovers? Was Kennedy a multi-wiper, and if so, was Lincoln as well?