All hail

I've been fishing for a raise at the bank for a week or two now, when my boss called me over for a pow-wow. I asked her if more money was coming my way and she said no. A raise just wasn't in the cards and neither was permanency. She saw the dejection in my face and quickly piped up, "Oh, but we do want to worship you as a god."

Well, anyone who knows me will tell you that's all I've ever really wanted from a company. Paid vacations and fat benefit packages are nice, but worship and servitude is something money can't buy. I immediately signed up.

Benefits include:

1. A magnificent altar consecrated to My name will be built in an unused cubicle.

2. A temp will be sacrificed in My name every full moon.

3. My name has been changed to the much cooler, Moorcockian-sounding Ma'ax. The extra glottal stop is for extra POWER.

4. A festival in My honor will be celebrated for a fortnight in Midsummer, featuring bacchanalian wine orgies, ritualistic alpaca slaughtering, epic recitals of the Saga of Ma'ax, and free checking throughout July.

5. The bank's symbol has been replaced with a ram's skull.

6. A jihad against the heathen idolators in Account Reconciliation.

7. "Covered Head-to-Toe in Lamb's Blood" Fridays.

8. I will be growing several extra arms.

9. A fundamental shift in the company's mission statement away from "Providing financial solutions for individuals and small businesses," towards "Serving the undying will of Overlord Ma'ax the Unconquered, Tamer of Beasts, Slayer of Tiamat, in whose Presence we soil ourselves with adulation".