Return of the King will OWN you

I've seen it twice already. Oh dear Buddha, this thing is amazing. There's about a million fucking orcs, 50 foot tall war elephants with LAWNMOWERS (no shit) between their tusks, the best flaming-body-jumping-off-a-cliff suicide EVER, a big honkin' volcano, D-Day with swords and horses, an army of ghost mercenaries, leggy blondes, catapults firing severed heads, hot beacon-lighting action (Seriously. People were cheering at beacon fires being lit. Does Peter Jackson know how to work a crowd or what?), an orc general that looks like Sloth from The Goonies, a hobbit that looks like Mikey from The Goonies, the most pants-shittingly humongous spider ever made, Mordor gets nuked, all the hobbits end up naked and lying in a pile. Okay, I fibbed a little on that last one, BUT NOT BY MUCH.

I don't even know how to rate this thing. I went for that whole 4-star scale before, but this one breaks it completely. I give it, like, 8 stars. You may not even need to watch any movies ever after this. Well, except the Extended Edition next year, if you are so inclined.